A few weeks ago, Emily North, pastor of Shalom Mennonite (the congregation that I still consider my church home though I haven`t attended regurlarly for five years), asked me to write a reflection to share with my church family. This felt like a good excercise for me as Wednesday marked eight months since this adventure began. Here is my best attempt to sum up where I´ve been, where I am and where I`m going at this moment in my proyecto vida, my life project as my co-workers love to refer to this crazy journey we call life.
A few things I`ve discovered:
- My Spanish will not be perfect by the end of this year.
- Mexico is beautiful: the varied landscapes; the man who monitors the comings and goings in my neighborhood, who I pass every day with an "adios;" the slugs that climb along the wooden beams at INESIN; the varied colors I soak in strolling through the artisan market; the unending hospitality.
- Mexico is ugly: there`s trash everywhere; many soldiers are less-than-kind to immigrants; the government abuses its power; poverty and violence abound.
- The U.S. (government) is ugly. Many Mexicans don´t look fondly upon my country of origin: our government is culpable in the increase in violence here as we`ve imported many heavy arms to fight the "war on drugs;" our immigration policy makes life difficult for many Mexican immigrants; foreign trade policy has brought economic hardship upon many small-scale Mexican farmers.
- The U.S. is beautiful, too. It´s always been easier for me to be critical than supportive of my country, but this year I find more and more to love about the place I´ve lived almost all of my life: the grand diversity; the (respective) acceptance of this diversity; the (again respective) opportunities and celebration of women; above all, it`s my home and the home of so many people I love.
- I desperately need this experience and those who I have had the privilege to meet along the way. In response to a progress report I wrote for MCC Mexico in January, Marion (one of the Country Reps) shared the following wisdom with me: "we are called to go to the ends of the earth, not because people there need us, but because we need them and what they teach us." I do believe that I´m contributing to the lives of those I interact with herein small ways: through my work at INESIN, through my openness to the traditions, values and lifestyles of others, through sharing my traditions, values and lifestyles. However, in the end, the person most changed by my year here will be me and those changes will be due, in a large part, to these people.
A few things I still hope to discover:
- Though since a young age I´ve been inexplicably drawn to Latin America, I have yet to put my finger on exactly what it is that draws me to this place and that keeps me dreaming about returning.I`m going to work more diligently to put my finger on it. Stay tuned...
- How to speak French. Yes, this is a weird one given the fact that I´m in Mexico. Ironically, I never had an interest in learning until I came. This new development is partly due to several French-speaking friends, partly due to the fact that I now feel confident enough with my Spanish that I think my brain can handle French and partly because after Spanish, French can´t be that hard, right? There is a French school here in San Cristóbal, but unfortunately, I don´t think my personal $74 a month will handle these classes.
- Basically everything having to do with God. This year has been a time for me to more intentionally focus on my faith, but every time something falls into place for me, at least five new uncertainties pop up.
What makes me laugh:
- My host brother whose latest obsession is criticizing us at the lunch table if we ever talk with our mouths full (which usually happens at least 7 times a meal) and has taken to gesturing wildly to communicate when he has something to say, but is still working on his last bite of tortilla or beans.
- My fellow MCCer Miriam (as we discussed this reflection, I told her I was going to list her under the category "what scares me", but decided that in all honesty, she fits better here :). We laugh about almost everything, but I think our favorite topic of late has been "crazy things Latino men say to gringas."
- The little sheep that grazes outside of my neighbor´s house.
Where my expectations have been wildly surpassed:
- The food. Two kilos gained last time I checked, and that was a few months ago...
- The MCC community in San Cristóbal. At the Mesoamerica retreat in Guatemala this January, several MCCers from other countries asked me, "is it hard being the only SALTer in Mexico?" My response? an unequivocal "no." I´d much rather be the only SALTer with the Blocks and Miriam living just down the street than with five other SALTers spread across the country.
- The salsa dancing. I´m starting to sound like a broken record on this one, but I CANNOT get enough of it.
Where my expectations haven`t been realized:
- I (unrealistically) thought I´d leave this experience as an expert on all-things-Mexico. Not going to happen. In some ways, it´s like my God conundrum: every time I discover something new about the context of this vast country, another complexity emerges and leaves me with more questions than answers.
- copy/paste my earlier comment on not leaving Mexico speaking perfect Spanish. However, I will take a whole slew of Mexican slang with me. And I find that super ,chingón.
My biggest struggle:
- Balancing my worlds. For the last four years my worlds have been Goshen College and Harrisonburg, VA. In each of these places, I had fairly set and tight social and familial circles. All of the sudden, I´ve jumped into a world where I have many different (and primarily disconnected) communities. My host family doesn´t know my friends, many of my friends don´t know each other and certainly don´t know my coworkers, who clearly don´t know my friends or family from back home. Figuring out how to live between these disconnected realities (and be a true version of myself even though each brings out a different part of me) is not easy.
My biggest triumph:
- The realization that not once have I regretted my decision to embark on this journey. I have an ever-present sense that this is exactly where I need to be right now.
What scares me:
- The future. Coming in, I knew that figuring out what to do with myself at the end of my time here would be much harder than the decision to come. I also told myself that in April I would begin to seriously explore options for next year. That time has arrived and I have no idea where next year will find me or what I´ll be doing. I know that my time in San Cristóbal is coming to a close, and I feel very much at peace with that, but otherwise, come July 24, many aspects of my life are shrouded in mist.
What gives me hope:
- The love and support I´ve felt from many back home throughout this journey.
- The music I´ve discovered.
- The smallness of the world. Marie, one of my friends, tells me that the world is small for those who care for each other. I believe it. I´ve seen so many people caring for each other in amazing ways this year. I`ve come to care for many, too and have felt that love reciprocated in profound ways. This has been a constant comfort as I find myself far away from what I always considered "home," and it continues to comfort me as I slowly begin to look toward a future away from this place I currently consider "home."
